even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you told grandpa to call you daddy
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
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