his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
