I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
