I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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