Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
