I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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