there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
