i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
