I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
