____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
try to milk me bitch
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