just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
