I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
