I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
