I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
