another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
