I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
