i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
