i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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