Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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