She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
