I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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