can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
