I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
