So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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