I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
