i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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