Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
what is it with giant penises always finding me
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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