Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
