I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Even my vagina gasped.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
