the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
