I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
