apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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