How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
