Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
