My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
