i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
