Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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