I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
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Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
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We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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