it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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