Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
the raccoons are back...
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