why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
