she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
