Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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