Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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