If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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