if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
love makes seman taste better
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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