i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Randomize
