Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
