so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
