Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
