Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
