Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
