My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
