My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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