rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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