I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
