i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
