remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
