Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize