well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
